How To Select a Potential Mate
Posted: Friday, April 15, 2011
by Jim Anderson
Weddings That Last
Selecting a potential marriage partner is no random task. The statistics on marriage success is not very encouraging. 45% to 50% of first marriages fail. When it comes to second and third marriages, the failure rate increases to 60% - 73%. This is probably because many people don’t put as much thought into choosing a mate as they do in buying a car. They randomly fall in love, and then figure that is enough to sustain a marriage.
It is first important to have good reasons for getting married. Don’t get married because the girl is pregnant, rebound from a previous marriage, out of rebellion, to escape an unhappy home, out of loneliness, physical appearance, social pressure, guilt, or solely out of romantic love. A better reason to get married is that you are prepared to love someone sacrificially and desire the opportunity to grow your character while sharing life with your mate.
When choosing a mate, first you need to be a good potential partner yourself. Are you someone that would make a good husband or wife? If you want a good catch, you need to be a good catch. With that said, look for compatibility, but realize that you will also have to work at compatibility in the early years of your marriage. How are you similar and how are you different? Do these factors compliment your relationship? Are you able to meet the basic needs of the other person in a lifetime commitment? In what way do you see yourself dependent on your partner? Are your cultural and moral values similar? Is this person marriage material?
A person that is marriage material will have certain traits. Here are some of the key traits. First, this person needs to be adaptable and flexible. They must be able to adjust and change with as little rigidity as possible. You must be able to accept the differences in each other, adapt, and work toward making adjustments to each other. In Eph. 4:2 it tells us that since we love one another, we are willing to make allowances for one another. Second, does this person have empathy? It is a very necessary trait for a marriage relationship. Can we share their ups and their downs, and understand their feelings and responses to things? Romans 12:15 talks about how we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Third, can this person work through problems? Like it or not, you will have plenty of conflict in a marriage. You must both have the ability to resolve conflict effectively. If you don’t, your marriage will suffer greatly, and likely result in separation or divorce.
Some other very important traits to look for are the ability to give and receive love, emotional stability, similar family background, ability to communicate well, a healthy emotional environment in their background, similar economic level as yours, and healthy psychological attributes. Have they left home physically and psychologically? Do they have a good work record and reasonable occupational plans? Will they make their marriage relationship a priority? What is their ability to stick with their commitments?
Get one of the many books out there for couples that contain questions for couples who are dating, engaged, or married. Use these questions to stimulate discussion and learn more about each other. Learn enough to answer all these areas of concern I have mentioned. As you get more serious, I encourage you to contact me or another certified professional in your area that can facilitate a Prepare/Enrich inventory and a Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis. These tools will help you further evaluate your relationship and give you additional skills to make your relationship better. These are tools you may want to use periodically throughout your relationship from time to time anyway, to see where you are at and if there are further adjustments you need to make. It is never too late to do things to improve your relationship.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Pray, pray and pray - together, with those who are your covering and etc (preferable before your emotions get all tangled up to see what the Lord would have with this relationship) It works! We can attest to this almost 25 years later! God is good!Please log in to respond to this comment.No question about that. In fact, spiritual compatibility is a key component. Thanks for the comment.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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