What You Should Know Before You Get Engaged
Posted: Tuesday, April 19, 2011
by Jim Anderson
Weddings That Last
Couples that are in the dating stage need to do more than just have fun, they need to learn about their partner. It takes time and effort to do that effectively. It is a mistake to wait to do that until you are engaged. It also requires some targeted work as well. It isn’t something to do randomly. There are certain things you should know ahead of time to help you make the decision whether you want to marry this person. At the same time, it isn’t as much about finding the right person as it is being the right person. So make sure you approach this with the right attitude. If you are just looking for reasons to eliminate candidates, you’ll always find those reasons.
What is the depth of your knowledge of your partner? How long have you known your partner before marriage? There is a relationship between these factors and how satisfied you will be in marriage. The deeper and longer you know someone before marriage, the better chance you’ll be satisfied in marriage. I would say there are limits to the length of time that will provide benefits. One to two years is a good guideline. This is because you will understand your partner better and understand your couple strengths and weaknesses over that period of time with the depth at which you have explored.
Ask lots of questions. Ask questions that are hard to answer, and answer them yourself. You can ask these questions now, or discover the answers later. If you don’t like the answer later, you may put yourself in a difficult position. If you learn the answers now, you have the choice to accept that answer or not. There are a number of question books on the market for couples and they all are useful. The more questions you can ask, the better chance you leave no stone unturned and the less likely you’ll get a surprise after marriage.
Don’t ignore red flags when you get them. Realize at the same time that there is no perfect mate. There will be a degree of compromise. So you have to decide what you can live with. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they will change later, or that they have a lot of potential. Don’t be a reformer. The question is also whether you will fit the other person’s criteria. Look for consistency in their answers over time. Interact with friends and family and make note of red flags that come up. Find out how the other person handles pressure. Build a real friendship, pray together, have similar interests and values. Know the other person’s faults and know that you can accept them. Right up to the last minute before the wedding, be willing to call it off if you know deep inside that something isn’t right. Get premarital counseling to bring things to the surface that otherwise wouldn’t come out. Make sure it is quality counseling. Don’t assume anything.
Know That You Are Certain
If you are having mixed feelings about getting engaged, then don’t do it. Getting engaged is a serious step. Dating is one thing, but signing up for a lifetime is another. It is normal to have cold feet, but know the difference between that and ignoring the signs that you are basically unsure. Don’t feel pressured.
Identify the nonnegotiables beforehand. Don’t get involved with someone who abuses you. Don’t get involved with someone who is controlled by their parents. Don’t think that your marriage will fix problems that currently exist. Get those things fixed before you get engaged. Don’t get engaged if you can’t talk about your feelings and your needs. It won’t get easier. The wedding lasts one day, but the marriage is for life.
If you can’t resolve your disagreements completely before you are married, it won’t get better after you are married. Living together before marriage will hurt your chances of success. Don’t marry a person who treats you like a child. If your partner acts interested in your interests and activities but doesn’t like you spending time on them, this won’t get better later. Don’t marry for sex, you also need social, spiritual, intellectual, recreational and emotional intimacy too. Can you spend a whole day just hanging out with your partner? If not, that spells trouble. Have either of you not resolved a previous relationship and recovered from it? Does your partner suffer from an addiction? That won’t change. The ways you are opposite that are cute now will be a pain in the neck later. And this just names a few things to look for.
Only you can decide, but be sure.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)And pray BEFORE your emotions are involved to see what God's will is regarding the relationship - His best for us is the only place to be! Good article!Please log in to respond to this comment.Yes. Praying together can also be important after you get involved to create a greater intimacy. If both are focused on their relationship with the Lord, their relationship will be better.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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